What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 03:31
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I don,t even have a pension.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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But, we were locked up after school.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She found it foreign!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She wouldn,t have been !
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It was going to be , some day.
We all went to grammer schools
All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Who then, do I blame.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.